Setting Boundaries While in an Abusive Relationship: What You Need to Know

Let's start with the hard truth: Setting boundaries in an abusive relationship is different.

If you've read articles about boundaries that make it sound simple—just communicate clearly, set your limits, expect respect—you've probably felt confused, frustrated, or like you're failing.

Because you've tried. You've communicated. You've set limits. And it hasn't worked.

That's not because you're doing it wrong. It's because abusive people don't respect boundaries.

This article is for the woman who's still in it—whether by choice, circumstance, or because leaving isn't safe or possible right now. You're not broken for staying. You're not weak for trying to make it work. And you're not crazy for feeling like nothing you do is ever enough.

You deserve to know the truth about what boundaries can and cannot do in an abusive relationship.

The Reality: Boundaries Work Differently with Abusive People

In healthy relationships, boundaries work like this:

• You communicate your need
• The other person respects it (even if they don't like it)
• Trust builds over time
• The relationship improves

In abusive relationships, boundaries work like this:

• You communicate your need
• They ignore it, mock it, punish you for it, or use it against you
• You feel confused, guilty, or like you're the problem
• Nothing actually changes

This isn't because you set the boundary "wrong." It's because abusive people see boundaries as a threat to their control.

And they will do whatever it takes to break them down.

Why Abusers Don't Respect Boundaries

Understanding this isn't about excusing their behavior—it's about protecting yourself from false hope and self-blame.

Abusive people resist boundaries because:

1. Control is their goal. Boundaries limit control. To them, your boundary feels like rebellion, defiance, or a personal attack.
2. They don't see you as separate from them. Your needs, feelings, and autonomy don't register as valid. They see you as an extension of themselves—there to meet their needs.
3. Consequences don't apply to them (in their mind). Rules are for other people. Boundaries are for other people. They're special. They're the exception.
4. Your boundaries expose their behavior. When you say "I need you to stop yelling at me," you're essentially saying "what you're doing is wrong." They can't tolerate that.
5. They've learned you'll back down. If they push hard enough—through guilt, rage, tears, or silence—you'll eventually cave. And that pattern reinforces their behavior.

This is why traditional boundary advice doesn't work.

You can't boundary someone into becoming safe. You can only boundary yourself into protecting what's left of your wellbeing.

What Boundaries CAN Do in an Abusive Relationship

Boundaries in this context aren't about changing the other person. They're about:

✓ Protecting your mental and emotional space
✓ Creating pockets of safety where possible
✓ Maintaining your sense of self
✓ Documenting patterns (this matters for later)
✓ Limiting exposure to harm
✓ Preparing for eventual separation (if that's your goal)

Boundaries are damage control, not relationship repair.

They're about survival, not transformation.

And that's okay. That's actually wise.

Types of Boundaries You Can Set (Even When It's Hard)

1. Internal Boundaries

These are boundaries within yourself—limits on what you'll believe, internalize, or accept as truth.

Examples:

• "I will not accept their version of reality as the only truth."
• "I will not take responsibility for their emotions."
• "I will not believe I'm crazy, even when they say I am."
• "I will remember what actually happened, even when they deny it."

Why this matters: Internal boundaries protect your sense of self when external boundaries can't be enforced.

How to practice:

• Journal what actually happened (facts, not their spin)
• Remind yourself of your values and worth
• Separate their voice from your own inner voice
• Hold onto your reality, even privately

2. Emotional Boundaries

These protect your emotional energy and prevent you from taking on what isn't yours.

Examples:

• "I am not responsible for managing their mood."
• "I will not engage in circular arguments designed to confuse me."
• "I will not absorb their anger as if it's my fault."
• "I can care about them without sacrificing myself."

Why this matters: Emotional boundaries help you stop bleeding out trying to fix what you didn't break.

How to practice:

• Notice when you're absorbing their emotions
• Practice the phrase "That's not mine to carry"
• Use gray rock technique (minimal emotional response)
• Create mental distance even when physical distance isn't possible

3. Physical Boundaries

These protect your body and physical space.

Examples:

• "I will leave the room when conversations become abusive."
• "I will not tolerate being touched when I've said no."
• "I have the right to privacy and personal space."
• "I can remove myself from unsafe situations."

Why this matters: Your body is yours. Full stop.

How to practice:

• Have an exit plan (even if it's just to another room)
• Trust your body's danger signals
• Create physical distance when possible (separate rooms, going for walks)
• Know where your documents, keys, and phone are at all times

Safety note: If physical violence is present or threatened, please reach out to a domestic violence hotline. Physical boundaries may escalate danger. Your safety matters most.

4. Information Boundaries

These protect your private life and limit what they can use against you.

Examples:

• "I will not share everything about my day, plans, or feelings."
• "I will keep certain relationships, thoughts, or activities private."
• "I don't owe detailed explanations for my choices."
• "I can have a private inner life."

Why this matters: Information becomes ammunition in abusive relationships. Protecting your privacy protects your peace.

How to practice:

• Share surface-level information only
• Keep personal wins, struggles, and plans to yourself
• Don't give them material to twist or weaponize later
• Build a support system outside the relationship (friends, therapist, community)

5. Time Boundaries

These protect your energy and create breathing room.

Examples:

• "I will limit how long I engage in unproductive conversations."
• "I am allowed to need time alone."
• "I don't have to be available 24/7."
• "I can prioritize my own needs sometimes."

Why this matters: Constant availability = constant opportunity for harm.

How to practice:

• Set time limits for difficult conversations ("I can talk for 15 minutes")
• Take breaks (even if it's just a bathroom break to breathe)
• Protect pockets of time that are yours (morning walk, evening routine)
• Build in recovery time after intense interactions

What to Expect When You Set Boundaries

Here's what will likely happen (so you're not caught off guard):

They'll test the boundary immediately.

The moment you set it, they'll push to see if you're serious. This is normal. Hold firm.

They'll escalate.

Yelling might get louder. Silent treatment might last longer. Guilt trips might intensify. This is called an "extinction burst"—one last push to get you back in line.

They'll play the victim.

"You're being so mean to me." "I can't believe you'd do this to me." "You're abandoning me when I need you most." This is manipulation. You're not abandoning them by protecting yourself.

They'll gaslight you about the boundary.

"I never did that." "You're overreacting." "You're too sensitive." This is why documenting matters.

They'll try to negotiate or find loopholes.

"Okay fine, but what about..." They're not respecting the boundary—they're trying to find a way around it.

They might love-bomb you.

Suddenly they're sweet, apologetic, promising to change. This is temporary. It's designed to get you to drop the boundary.

Knowing this in advance helps you:

• Not be surprised when it happens
• Recognize it as a pattern, not proof you're wrong
• Hold your boundary even when it's uncomfortable

How to Hold Boundaries When You're Exhausted

You don't have to be perfect. You don't have to enforce every boundary every time.

Some days you'll hold firm. Some days you'll cave. That's not failure—that's survival.

What helps:

Keep it simple.
Don't over-explain. Don't justify. The more you explain, the more they have to argue with.

• Instead of: "I need space because I'm feeling overwhelmed by your constant criticism and I need time to process my emotions..."
• Try: "I need space right now."

Stay calm (externally, even if you're not internally).
Emotion gives them fuel. Gray rock technique—boring, brief, unemotional responses—can protect you.

Document everything.
Write down what happened, when, and what was said. This helps you:

• Trust your own memory
• See patterns
• Have evidence if you need it later

Get support outside the relationship.
You cannot do this alone. Find a therapist, support group, trusted friend, or community who understands narcissistic abuse. You need people who believe you.

Lower your expectations.
You're not setting boundaries to fix the relationship. You're setting them to protect yourself within it. That's different.

Prioritize your safety.
If enforcing a boundary puts you in physical danger, your safety comes first. Always.

A Word About Leaving vs. Staying

You don't have to leave to deserve support.

Some women stay because:

• Leaving isn't financially possible yet
• Children are involved and custody is complicated
• They're not ready
• They're building an exit plan (leaving takes time and strategy)
• They still love the person (even while recognizing the abuse)
• They have religious or cultural pressures
• They fear the danger of leaving (statistically, leaving is the most dangerous time)

Whatever your reason for staying, you're not weak. You're surviving.

Boundaries can help you survive with more of yourself intact.

And if you're planning to leave someday, practicing boundaries now builds the muscle you'll need later.

What God Says About Your Worth

If you're a woman of faith struggling with whether boundaries are "Christian," hear this:

God does not ask you to accept abuse in the name of love.

• Jesus had boundaries. He withdrew from crowds. He said no. He protected His time and energy.
• Love does not delight in evil (1 Corinthians 13:6)
• God is close to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18)
• You are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14)
• No one has the right to destroy what God created and loves

Boundaries are not unloving. They're a recognition that you, too, are made in God's image and worthy of protection.

Submission is not the same as tolerating abuse.
Forgiveness is not the same as accepting ongoing harm.
Grace is not the same as having no limits.

You can honor your faith AND honor yourself. Both are true.

When to Seek Professional Help

Please reach out for support if:

• You're experiencing physical violence or threats
• You're being isolated from friends, family, or support systems
• You're being financially controlled or exploited
• You're being coerced or controlled sexually
• Your mental health is deteriorating (depression, suicidal thoughts, anxiety)
• You're experiencing stalking or monitoring of your activities
• Your children are being harmed or witnessing abuse

Resources:

• National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 (24/7, confidential)
• Crisis Text Line: Text "START" to 741741
• National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673
• Love Is Respect (for young adults): Text "LOVEIS" to 22522

Find a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse. Not all therapists understand this dynamic.

Final Thoughts: You're Not Failing

If you're reading this and feeling defeated because boundaries haven't "worked," please hear me:

You're not doing it wrong.

Boundaries work in healthy relationships. In abusive relationships, they work differently—they protect you, they document patterns, they preserve your sense of self.

That's not nothing. That's everything.

You're not too sensitive. You're not overreacting. You're not the problem.

You're a woman trying to stay safe in an unsafe situation. That takes incredible strength.

Keep setting boundaries, even when they don't change the other person. They're changing you. They're preparing you. They're protecting what's left of your light.

And one day—whether that's tomorrow or years from now—you'll be so glad you did.

You're not alone. You're seen. You're believed.

And you're going to make it through this. 💛

If you need support on this journey, join us in the Hope and Healing Community. It's a safe space for women who understand exactly what you're going through. Start your free 7-day trial here.